Well, we’ve made it one week. I am grateful that its finally been a week because now that we made it one, I know we’ll be able to make it two weeks.
I’ve been doing ok, as good as you can be when you’re husbands gone but todays been tough. Sadness hit real hard. It was one week ago today that I sent him off. Its been one week since I’ve seen his face and touched his skin. It been one week since I’ve kissed his lips and heard the words “I love you” come out of his mouth.
It’s always hard doing something for the first time since he’s left. Today, it was going to the gym and actually working out. It was a big deal because thats where we met. Our first day was at the gym and I’ve never worked out without him since. I was so scared, sad, emotional and honestly, a bit angry that I had to do this by myself. I usually let him plan the workouts and just follow him around… but now, I was about to do it by myself. I teared up in the locker room just thinking about what I was about to do and how much I missed him. Somehow, I got out there and did the best workout I had done in a long time. I channeled all the mixed emotions I had and made it my goal to make him proud.
It felt good over coming that challenge, and I expected it to kick all that sadness in the butt and be replaced with a feeling of accomplishment… but it didn’t. Instead I just kept getting sadder and lonelier. Not in a depressive way, I just got really into my head and thoughts. I love being strong and not letting things effect me the way they do others but I reached a crumbling point today. Very rarely do I let myself cry like I did today. I stuffed it down all day but a few hours ago, it just came bubbling out. I miss him! and you know what, its ok to. Heck I’m suppose to. He’s my husband. The love of my life. My best friend and I can’t even talk to him right now. It hurts a whole lot and its a big, tough pill to swallow but it was about time I let myself feel those emotions. About time I let myself fall apart a bit. Because in order to make it through this, thats what I am going to have to do. Fall apart, and come back stronger. Fall apart, come back stronger. Every time.
One week down, nine more to go. I’m praying that I am stronger this week than I was last.