Just So Done

I cried tonight for the first time in months. And it just hit me out of nowhere. Usually I feel it coming or know theres something I need to get out but this cry was different. Its been boiling up for weeks and weeks. Usually I cry from frustration, anger or sadness of missing him. But tonight, I cried defeat.

All day, everyday I told it together. I keep a polite smile on my face as people tell me how they could never do this or how they don’t know how Im doing it. I kindly listen as people say how “quickly” time is going or how much “easier” it makes things now that he has his phone. But the truth is, it sucks. Every single second since April 3 and I’m just done. No, not with our marriage or with him. Just done with holding it together even when I’m alone. I try to stay positive all the time, even in my thoughts to myself. And the majority of time thats needed but sometimes its okay just to brake down and tonight is one of those nights.

It just feels like everyone around me is so happy and loving life and then theres me, just counting down to October 12th. Every life is moving and things are happening and I’m just doing the same old same old. Work, gym, home. Nothing new, nothing interesting. So many “date night pics” and vacation posts. Then theres me just wishing for a night next to my husband. To hear his voice, hold his hand… These 9 weeks ahead seem longer than the 18 behind us.

Im tired of missing him and just ready to have him back already. Ready to start building our lives again and be under the same roof. Im so ready for him just to be a room away instead of on the other side of the country. Im ready to have my husband back…

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