I am trying hard to remain “positive” and “upbeat” and to “thrive” through this deployment but the truth is I am struggling and my heart hurts so bad. Everyone says to “stay busy” and I have been but no matter how “busy” you stay, the sting of walking into an empty house just never gets old. This deployment is lonely and quite. Of all the words, I never thought I would choose those two but right now they perfectly describe my experience so far.
This is a different kind of lonely than when he was a BCT and AIT. Its somehow heavier and lonelier. I volunteer in the community, go to church, have a job and talk to my family almost every day. I have made a point to put myself out there in hopes of not feeling so lonely sadly though its not working. I know I just need to give it time and keep adjusting but its tough.
The silence in the house is truly deafening. Even though we only had a few weeks together here, we filled the house with such laughter and joy. I know I will have that back eventually but in the meantime, this silence is so load. I also did not expect the time change to be so hard. My night is his morning. My breakfast is his dinner. Because our schedules are so opposite, we only have a small window each day that we get to talk, if we even get to. I am so grateful for every opportunity that I get to hear from him but I miss the days I could just call or text him whenever I missed him or had a question.
I thought that if I put on a smile and convinced others that I was okay, that it would eventually become true but thats not happening. My heart aches every minute of the day and I feel like I am always two seconds away from tears. I know this will all be over and behind us soon. And I will be so proud and relieved to have made it and have him back but right now it hurts.
I know this post doesn’t have the usual energy as my other ones. And I hope it does not come off as negative because that is not my intention. However, I have always promised myself I would be open, honest, transparent and when necessary, vulnerable. This is one of those posts. Better times are coming, I know that. I also know that the difficult times make us appreciate the good ones so much more but goodness are the tough times tough.