I am trying hard to remain “positive” and “upbeat” and to “thrive” through this deployment but the truth is I am struggling and my heart hurts so bad. Everyone says to “stay busy” and I have been but no matter how “busy” you stay, the sting of walking into an empty house just never gets old. This deployment is lonely and quite. Of all the words, I never thought I would choose those two but right now they perfectly describe my experience so far.
This is a different kind of lonely than when he was a BCT and AIT. Its somehow heavier and lonelier. I volunteer in the community, go to church, have a job and talk to my family almost every day. I have made a point to put myself out there in hopes of not feeling so lonely sadly though its not working. I know I just need to give it time and keep adjusting but its tough.
The silence in the house is truly deafening. Even though we only had a few weeks together here, we filled the house with such laughter and joy. I know I will have that back eventually but in the meantime, this silence is so load. I also did not expect the time change to be so hard. My night is his morning. My breakfast is his dinner. Because our schedules are so opposite, we only have a small window each day that we get to talk, if we even get to. I am so grateful for every opportunity that I get to hear from him but I miss the days I could just call or text him whenever I missed him or had a question.
I thought that if I put on a smile and convinced others that I was okay, that it would eventually become true but thats not happening. My heart aches every minute of the day and I feel like I am always two seconds away from tears. I know this will all be over and behind us soon. And I will be so proud and relieved to have made it and have him back but right now it hurts.
I know this post doesn’t have the usual energy as my other ones. And I hope it does not come off as negative because that is not my intention. However, I have always promised myself I would be open, honest, transparent and when necessary, vulnerable. This is one of those posts. Better times are coming, I know that. I also know that the difficult times make us appreciate the good ones so much more but goodness are the tough times tough.
This Beautiful Life 
Very honest assessment of hopes, fears, and emotion, thanks for sharing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for reading! I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.
LikeLiked by 1 person
For every
Mountain we climb there is a
Valley below
The climb is hard
The downward glide restful the
View so far below
Spectacular
Even a bird must rest his wings
From time
To time as
He soars upon the gentle winds
High above
Sometimes our lives seem effortless other times quite weary as we navigate the highs and lows. Struggle through the storms dodging lightning bolts to climb above the head winds that seek to impede us throw us off course.
Yet the sun will come out again
Chase the clouds away
The rain will cease the sound of
Thunder fade away
Within his arms once again he’ll
Enfold you the tears
His fingertips gently wipe away
Rather then being negative or projecting the facade of upbeat bravado it is an honest depiction of what you are going through: the worries, fears and the longing. Yet full of hope as you deal with the loneliness of separation, day by day live your own life as you look forward to the safe return of your husband.
š
LikeLike
Personally I admire you! š
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is a beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing! I really appreciate hearing your feedback as well! That is exactly what I was hoping to show through this post. I am so glad that thats how it reads. Thank you again for the encouragement. Its much needed!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Your welcome! š
LikeLike
Girl, I know exactly how you feel. This is our second deployment, it doesnāt get easier, you just get stronger. If you need someone to talk to Iām here! Every day is one day closer to him being home.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for reaching out! I really appreciate that! Goodness, we’re still just at the beginning and I am so ready to have this behind us. But I just keep thinking about the homecoming. Sending you good thoughts and strength! Thank you for the encouragement!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
So sorry you are going through such a difficult and lonely time right now. You are in my prayers.
LikeLike
Thank you so much. So days are definitely tougher than others but I am slowly figuring it out and trust God every step of the way. I truly appreciate your prayers! Blessings to you as well.
LikeLiked by 1 person
We’re praying for you and your husband.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much. That warms my heart and means so much to me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Do not be hard on yourself this is an adjustment and not an easy one . It’s ok to feel this way nothing wrong with missing your husband. Do you like to read? When your home at night or day tur on some music for some noise make your favorite beverage coffee tea and read . Then let work and volunteering keep your days busy . It will get better you just need to find a routine . Hope this helps.ā¤ļø
LikeLiked by 1 person
I forgot how much I enjoy reading. With so much time on my hands at night, it is something I have begun doing again. I cant believe I ever got away from it. How wonderful it is to be absorbed in a good book. And I have never been a tea of coffee person… until now! I just started drinking a cup of tea at night right before bed and I have found that it calms me and helps me rest so much better! Its a huge adjustment but I appreciate the reminder not to be too hard on myself. I know I have a tendency to do that. So thank for that. As soon as I find a routine, he’ll be home and I’ll have to find a whole new one haha but thats how life goes!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Iām so happy your reading and you found a routine . Yes you may have to change the routine when he gets home but maybe a bit . Tea is such a calming thing at night good for you. What are you reading ? I love romance novels with a little mystery in it.
LikeLike
I am reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers! Its such a beautiful love story. I started it years ago and never finished it. Its just been floating around. I am so glad I picked it back up. Now I cant put the book down!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh I need to read that. That is wonderful you picked it back up . Itās a nice feeling when you get back into reading again . Enjoyš
LikeLike
Very authentic post
LikeLike
Thank you for reading!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s not wrong to miss your husband, but you will be fine eventually, my dear. Just take out time to listen to some music and dance (that’s if you love dancing. Lol) or do something you love. It’s not easy though, but it will pass. I hope this helps
LikeLike
Thank you so much for the advice as well as encouragement. Both are greatly needed! I definitely will be more intentional about making time for the things that I love and enjoy. Your reassurance and comment definitely helped. Thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad it did. You are welcome.
LikeLike
This is very poignant, truthful and honest. Well done for putting this out there!! āŗļø
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much. It was a difficult but needed post to write. Hopefully my honesty can help and encourage others. I really appreciate the encouragement!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Honesty is always appreciated āŗļøšš»
LikeLike
prayer, it is the setting aside of agendas and attending to awareness.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is beautiful! And so so true. I definitely will remember and remind myself of that. Thank you so much!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know if it’ll help. But it will be all okay soon.
Best regards!
LikeLike
Strangely enough, it does! Thank you. I really appreciate the reassurance!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love this post! Glad to be able to relate! I am also in a military relationship except I am the active duty member and my boyfriend is the “spouse”. It’s got to be incredibly hard for you, espeically being at a brand new duty location. Just remind yourself that even though your situation is sucky, your husband is probably in a more sucky spot (And I know that probably doesn’t help). Just take it one day at a time, he will be home before you know it! Thinking of you girl š
LikeLike
Thank you! I love that perspective. I will continue to remind myself that it is extremely tough for him as well. Strangely enough, it does help š. I really appreciate you for reaching out and for the encouragement. Wishing you the best as well too!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Having been on both sides, truly being the spouse is the most difficult. It might not get any easier, but this routine will become your new normal. By this time, your husband will be on his way back to create a new routinue. You’ll always miss your husband because you love him, but maximize the time he is away by exploring new ventures and remembering why you two fell in love in the first place.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you! Your comment meant so much to me. Especially from someone who has experienced both. I can see that being so true. Right when I finally have a handle on things and a system down, he’ll be back and we’ll adjust all over again. I cant wait for that. I definitely will take your advice and continue to make the most of this time apart. Find or rediscover hobbies and activities that make me happy, hopeful find somewhere to volunteer and make some friends. Thank you for reaching out, for the advice and for the reassurance. I truly needed it all!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I spent two years (with 2 year in between) waiting for my husband to come home. (Viet Nam). It is lonely. I did all the things you are doing. I found some help from other wives. If you can connect it helps. God bless you and hang in there!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your experience!!! It would be so helpful to connect with other wives! I am working on reaching out to the FRG in hopes of meeting some. Also hoping and praying for some friends, military or not! I know God has some wonderful people coming into my life soon. Thank you so much for the encouragement. Blessings to you and your family as well!!!
LikeLike
One day at a time, it’s all that’s asked us. Lovely post.
LikeLike
Thank you so much for reading and for the encouragement. Slowly but surely we’re making it through and figuring it out as we go.
LikeLike
I’m sorry you’re feeling so lonely right now, it’s an awful feeling. Unfortunately sometimes there’s really nothing anyone can say that would make you feel any better right now. I think continuing to reach out to people is really important, you can do this!
LikeLike
Its a tough experience thats for sure but I am learning that it is not always so rough. Im learning the find joy and excitement in the small and simple things. And I most definitely will take your advice and reach out to others. Hopeful I can connect with his units FRG soon. Thank you for reading!
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing, and being vulnerable ā¤ļø
LikeLike
Thank you so much for reading! I really appreciate it!!!
LikeLike
Hey girl! Hang it there!! You totally got this! ā¤ļø Iām here if you need anything! Anything at all! I would love to chat with you! Sometimes it helps to talk it out with someone who is going through the same thing
LikeLike
Thank you so much for reaching out and for the encouragement! I really appreciate that! And your support means so much to me! Thank you! I am so happy to have found your blog. Please feel free to reach out to me as well if ever you need/want to talk/vent š
LikeLiked by 1 person
The quiet house killed me too. I would play music or put the tv on as soon as I got home when my husband was deployed just to have some background noise as I carried on with my routine. It helped “fill” the room, and somehow it felt less empty.
Worth a shot!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the advice! I am open to ANY suggestions on how to make this experience just a little bit better. I definitely will try that! It also means a lot coming from someone who has been where I am. So excited to be on the other side of this.
LikeLike
ā¤ You got this! I hope time can speed up for you.
LikeLike
I think you mean, “lonely and quiet.”
LikeLike
I can’t imagine how you feel. But it sounds like you have the soul and courage to get through. Keep smiling āŗļø
LikeLike
Thank you for the encouragement!!! I definitely am trying. Love sure does give you strength and courage you didn’t know you had.
LikeLike
You have described myself when tragedy hit me. thx for the love…
LikeLike
It’s okay to be honest with yourself. You have a lot going on. I pray the Lord will give you His guidance, and that you would feel His embrace. He loves you! Me and God have faith in you!
LikeLike
Your words and prayers mean so much to me! Thank you. I always know God has me in His hands and is guiding me through, but I definitely needed the reminded. Only with and because of God will we make it through this. Using this opportunity to pull closer and truth deeper in Him.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You have a beautiful heart in This Beautiful Life you share with us! You can tell God is in there. ā¤
LikeLike
The better times wouldn’t seem like that unless we allow ourselves to wallow in the difficult times.
LikeLike
I love that! And that is so true. I am definitely looking forward to having him back and trying to make the best of where we are now. Thank you for the encouragement!
LikeLike
Beautifully written. He is there with you…in all things beautiful.
LikeLike
Thank you so much! Yes, he most definitely is. Thanks for taking the time to reach and reach out to me!
LikeLike
I’m not a military wife but I do know what’s it’s like to be away from my husband for a long time. To have distance between you and the one you love is painful. I know what it feels like to be kept away from him and long to be with him but just could not. I know that heart break. I’ve dealt with it and some other hard things for years and I know you’ve heard it all before but hang in there! It will get better. One day at a time. I often remember the times where my husband and I just wanted to be together and couldn’t and the times we were finally together, we took each other for granted. What a roller coaster marriage and life in general can be. Anyway, don’t apologize for how you feel. You’re not negative, just raw.
LikeLike
Thank you so much for reaching out to me and sharing your experiences! Military spouses most certainly are not the only ones who have to deal with distant. No matter the reason or length, the longing is the same. I really appreciate the words of encouragement, especially from someone who has been through something so similar. With our birthdays, holidays, valentines days all so close together, we definitely are going through wanting to be together. Its definitely tough finding way to make those occasions feel special when we are so far apart but we are finding creative ways. Hopefully when we are together next, this time apart will help us to treasure the time we have together. Thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for sharing your experience. Vulnerability takes a lot of courage, especially on the internet.
Have you stopped to really let yourself feel the loneliness and sadness? I know I’ve struggled for years with the fear of being perceived as weak. Unfortunately, pretending that everything is alright only made me more miserable.
We can’t let our emotions control us, but we also have to give them breathing room. If you haven’t already, try sitting with your feelings and letting yourself experience them without judgment. There’s nothing wrong with feeling how you feel and by acknowledging this hopefully you will be able to move forward.
Hang in there. You’ll be together again.
LikeLike
Thank you. I really appreciate you for saying that! You know, I don’t think I have stopped to have that time. It feels like I am having to put out one fire after the next but I think its very necessary for me to do so. I won’t let it control or overtake me but I will make some time to process and really feel my emotions. I am so thankful for your advice and insight.
LikeLike
It is soo okay to not feel positive all the time. Being honest with yourself and accepting your feelings helps to let it go. I just recently wrote a not so positive post too and I tend to process things while writing, that helped me feel better!
LikeLike
Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that. Even though I know that, hearing a reminder is helpful and needed. I definitely can relate to processing while writing. Thats actually one of the main reasons I started this blog! I look forward to reading more from you blog.
LikeLike
I love the honesty. As a former military spouse, I know how difficult this can be. I’m glad your beautiful posts are cathartic for you. I really enjoyed reading this.
LikeLike
Thank you so much for reaching out and being able to relate. It defiantly is a unique journey and experience. It does my heart so much good to hear that you enjoyed reading my blog. Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to read!
LikeLike